Beef and the music industry go hand-in-hand. 2Pac/Biggie, Jay-Z/Nas, Mozart/Salieri…it’s always come with the territory. If you play your cards right, you can come out of a beef session with boosted popularity and record sales. But you gotta pick your battles. You go up against Chris Brown, he might bite you (you can’t even do this in the UFC). You roll-up on Suge Knight, and you’ll probably never be seen again. I’m all about “increasin’ da’ peace”, but IF I were to start some ‘ish up with industry heads, here’s who I’d hit-up in order.
Mozart: "Ima have to bust a cap in Salieri's a$$. Salzberg WHAT!!!"
Bobby Valentino – This would purely be just to get warmed-up. To build a little confidence and momentum. Nothing personal about it, but if I’m looking for an easy win, I’m setting my sights on the guy who stands 5’3” with kicks on. Besides, I always wanted to do that thing where you straight-arm a dude in the forehead and they swing wildly at you but can’t reach you.
(Win by 2nd Round Ref Stoppage)
50 Cent – The next logical step. Everyone needs to beef with a rapper. They’re the most likely to retaliate by name on a track and give you instant fame and street cred. And the beauty with beefin with 50 is that most likely nothing will actually go down. Ja Rule, Kanye, Fat Joe, Jadakiss, Nas, the Game…nothing happened. My scrawny a$$ lives on and then I'd have my name buzzin on the street. Done.
(Draw)
Miley Cyrus – Yep. I would fight Miley Cyrus. And I would get knocked the f*ck out too. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go Ike Turner on her or anything. I’d just annoy and piss her off enough to get her to swing, I’d take a dive, and I’d watch my career sky rocket. All without laying a finger on her.
“What? Miley Cyrus got into a fight?”
“She got into a fight with a dood??”
“And she won???”
Bam, everyone would be lookin me up on the inna’net. I’m talkin over-night fame, baby. Cross-over pop status. TV and magazine coverage. Book deals. Oprah appearances. Platinum sales for days. I’d be sleepin’ on millions, yo!
(Lose by 1st Round KO)
